Wiggle-room

Good Morning All,

I continue to reflect on yet another aspect of my silent retreat last week. The first few hours of silence for me is spent sifting through long streams of consciousness about whatever has been going on in my life up and until the time of arrival at the retreat setting. I sort through different scenarios and attempt to let it all go so that I am freed up to focus on the where I am and why I am here. That first afternoon the group gathers for “centering prayer.” Centering prayer is meant to call us together as we continue to sit in silence. The spiritual director guides us with scripture and/or other readings, giving us something to center our thoughts and prayers on. It always amazes me how whatever I have been praying or thinking about prior to this time of centering is somehow brought to the center of my inner being…kind of like when you put cooked pasta in a colander and as you rinse it and raise it up a bit, the water drains and the pasta is ready for the next step. Likewise, my thoughts are raised up and the water rinses away the extraneous. And I’m good to go...

During the centering prayer time, Steven, our leader asked us 2 questions: Where have I been closed in my life? In other words, where in my life am I closed minded? The second question, “Where have I become more open in my life and faith? While I had a variety of answers to both questions, I also discovered that one answer I had to the first question gave me insight into an answer for the second. There seemed to be a correlation of sorts. So scoot your chair up a bit, listen carefully and reverently…it’s time for the minister’s confession… :)

It should come as no surprise to many of you that while I respect the right for anyone to believe and express whatever they believe, and will do all in my power to defend that right, I am not without my own response to it…especially when it comes to those old, tired and worn labels of “liberal” and “conservative” as they pertain to religion. I do fine in the midst of a casual conversation or while in a counseling session with someone whose beliefs are at the “other” end of the spectrum from mine. But when I am on the receiving end of folks trying to strong-arm me into their way of believing or who attempt to make me feel inadequate or guilty because I do not share their beliefs, I quickly close down. I’m really working at NOT doing this and I hope I am at least a smidgen closer to being more open in the midst of this kind of struggle. (?)

That being said, my answer to the second question about where I have been open, has to do with a most recent leg of my faith journey: wrestling with the questions deep within me; creating an atmosphere where any and all questions are welcomed to be explored, no matter if they come off arrogant or even border on blasphemous…God can take any and all of these kinds of questions, so why can’t they be asked? The freedom to ask questions of faith, leads us to living with these questions of faith, knowing all too well that there are those questions which will never have any answers, at least in this life. I am more and more open and comfortable with NOT being so certain about all my answers to faith questions. I take comfort in the “not knowing.”

When I began to reflect on my answers to where I am closed and where I am open, I came closer to understanding why I respond to those who are so forceful and filled with such definite answers to questions of faith; or those who are so drippingly “sweet” and “sugary” about their faith—yes, these are judgmental terms. I wonder if they are afraid of “not knowing” or not having an answer for everything when it comes to God or Jesus, the Spirit or the Church. Do folks who are so quick to expound their beliefs; who don’t seem to leave much of anything to uncertainty—believe that uncertainty and a questioning mind and heart, are somehow sinful or unfaithful?

And then it hit me…it’s as if there is no wiggle-room in the house of faith! Having no wiggle-room is like working in untilled soil—big chunks of dry, compacted dirt—dirt packed so tightly that there is no room for light or water…the light can’t penetrate deep within and the water rushes over us like a flash flood…Striving not to be closed; being open in our faith is knowing and celebrating that there always needs to be wiggle-room to grow…hmmm…Perhaps I am now convicted by own words…Let’s wiggle…Blessings, Joanne